Confessions of a Thrift-a-holic

If you were to tell me that I had more than my fair share of costume party photos, you would be correct. I've been trying to fill my mission of 'a costume for every occasion' for quite some time now and have developed quite intricate knowledge of local options.

Most costume shops are over priced, and the costumes are pretty freaking stupid. Unless you want to be a pirate, then the only issue is that it costs a buttload. Even a sexy pirate which is like 1/3 as much material as your normal pirate.

Today, on my search for the perfect 80's costume to embarrass my girlfriend with, I once again found myself going through my party-time checklist.

First stop, Goodwill. I entered Goodwill looking for party clothes, unfortunately I became very depressed as the only legitimate party clothing they had was a mesh shirt. I will note that Goodwill was full of shoppers, kinda odd for 12:30pm on a Thursday. Unless you need to dress up for a flannel or raggedy suit party, Goodwill is only good for electronics.

Next, Salvation Army. This place is kinda depressing cause there are legitimate people in there shopping and I feel pretentious and judgmental (which I am). I turned around and left almost as soon as I came in. The only thing I have successfully found here was a pair of short shorts for a roller skating party.

That Thrift Store on Front St. This place always has a deal. I have found many many treasures at this store. Plus they seem to have a one-day only sale every day. Quite nice for the last minute costume consumer. One time I found full length bedazzled denim overalls, I kick myself every day for not buying them.

On to Cognito. Cognito is right next to Melissa's old shelter, Crossroads. If you are looking for "nice" clothes that can be worn to a party you have a good chance of finding them here. They had an operation button up t-shirt, swinger gear, elvis wigs, and a plethora of other overpriced goods. However the nice girl was giving everyone 10% off for being in her store. I purchased my most recent acquisition, lean mean Magnum P.I. machine with wig, for just under $100. Which is a lot to pay for a costume, but Tom Selleck would find it a steal. Anyways, I give Cognito props cause they had what I needed.

Moon Zoom. If you need 70s gear, Denim, Motorcycle pants, or Members only jackets, go to Moon Zoom. Pretty cheap, and has a good selection, especially if you are a girl. The lady there was helpful, but unfortunately they had nothing on my Magnum P.I. costume. However! They did satisfy my costume needs for my glorious gangster party in SF.

Last but not lease, Too Much Fun. This place has fake tattoos (my personal favorite), plus all the glorious canned costumes for Halloween. During part of the year it is the "Halloween Headquarters" and has a pretty legit selection of Nurse and Pirate gear. They also have helium for balloons or whip-its.

Anyways, I hope that all 3 of you reading my blog find this information useful.

On the packaging for my new brain it says, "Be Extra Smart."

When I went to Walgreens for a new brain, I figured it would be an add on, not a complete swap out. Well boy was I wrong, this new brain is totally better than my old brain. This brain has none of the previous deficiencies.
- Making my body take off all it's clothes and call 911
- Drink until 5 in the morning by myself
- Miss the deceased relatives that I never knew
- Hate Alexi Semanov
- Yell at cars on the road...

This new brain is fluent in Italian: Come si dice Einstein? Einstein. It's also an expert in Psychology: Relative cognosis is only tangible if developed under the circumstances of empirical evidence. Last but not least, it knows the planets. Jupiter, the one next to jupiter, the moon of jupiter.

All I can say is this is the best 55 dollars I have ever spent.

I still hate Alexi Semanov. My new brain isn't perfect.

Free Table!

Do you remember Free Table? That amazing game in which any food that was put in the middle of the table was up for grabs by hungry helgamites? I used to put other peoples stuff there when they weren't looking. Then I would proclaim, "Johnny, I can't believe you put your turkey lunchable in free table! Thanks man!" I lost many sweatpants during these exercises, but I generally managed to eat half the perfectly squared turkey before being humiliated.

Free table was the best.

I think Obama's economic stimulus plan should include more items that reward skilled steal-ery and quick thinking.

Introductions please.

The decision has been made. I want to fit in. I want to express my day to day routine, corrupt and crazy thoughts, and general observations of life.

I named the blog 'Calm Assertive Josh' because of my respect for how Cesar Milan is able to apply logic, education, and experience to rehabilitate humans. Yeah, may sound kinda stupid, but there is something extremely gratifying to mastering a subject and teaching others how to improve their lives using the same techniques.

Anyways... I will try to update this blog regularly, but most likely it will end up being about my drunk times, phone times, school times, and of course sexy times... Just kidding on the 2nd one.

I have an amazon wishlist in case you want to buy me a present.
Josh's Amazon Wishlist

Stay tuned, and remember to project calm-assertive energy towards mouthy pimple faced Taco Bell employees.